– Nothing is eternal, and nothing seems too much! – I thought offended, dreaming that one day everything will change and I will be one of those who decide “not to want” to see, hear and know this person. In my dreams, a person will be very sorry for what happened, the loss of the beautiful me, etc., etc.
And for a while, this thought made it easier. But time passed, nothing like that happened and there was not even a hint of this divine retribution. And I continued to eat myself from the inside and the outside and want to want to want … Not really realizing what specifically and why exactly I needed from her.
The version of “Zarathustrian” justice, for the sake of which I repeatedly persuaded myself not to give up, in my life of unjust rejection, experienced a deafening fiasco suddenly, but almost a year and a half later. Suddenly waking up from such another countless thought, I suddenly realized how much time had passed and how much time my life had spent on it. And the next thing, which most likely I will never see or know, that revenge has happened, the offender received “for his merits” and my pain is partially compensated by life itself. And what difference does it really make to me how life will go on with a person who affects my life no more than some African rains on some Chinese monkeys.
Why can’t I accept the fact that everyone has the right not to like someone, not want to see or even know someone. How can I accept the fact that I am not so important to someone that they clearly and directly tell me about it, without deceiving and coloring the truth? Of course, it’s unfortunate to hear this, but it often happens that the environment is full of people who won’t say it to their face, but it’s unpleasant to approach them so as not to get dirty with sticky hypocrisy. Maybe face to face is still more honest if I’m for the truth?
Having suffered a lot, from unfair rejection and without the possibility to clarify in reality, I singled out several factors that affected me the most. The first is the suddenness of what happened, and the second is the impossibility of removing the irritant, if, for example, a person is present in my life through other people, as if “we are enclosed in a triangle like a fortress” … And the last is an honest answer to the question, why exactly “sweet” person who so fiercely and rigidly fenced off an impenetrable wall?
As a result, one amazingly simple moment was revealed to me, a kind of real human pattern, it turns out that for me, at first, all people are beautiful literally from the first smile and the meeting of the eyes. And the more actively they “smile”, the stronger they grow in my eyes with total charm. And this time it took as much as a year and a half of real human processes to reveal the real picture. That the kindness with which I endowed her is rather narrow-profile, external calmness is only a reaction to the calmness of others, touchiness has been replaced by skillful compliance in the right circumstances, and the obvious cowardice for the truth and incredible stubbornness to defend a profitable but dishonest opinion have become impossible to hide. The only thing I still struggle with not wanting to let myself down completely is because of age. What if all this concerns a teenager, far from a child, but not quite an adult yet.
The answer turned out to be only a matter of time, because if a human being of adolescence is offered to experience all that he demonstrates to others, he reacts with the same set of feelings and sensations as any adult. If they reject it – it hurts, if they lie – it’s a shame, if all together – it’s worth it. He, like an adult, has many reasons to continue to deceive and evade, to continue to do well knowing that it is somehow wrong and not “humanly” or to stop and make a different decision. In fact, there are no differences, only something inside the conscience supposedly regulates everything. (Not including situations where decisions are made on the background of survival). Of course, we all have motives, and often we want to act according to our immediate benefit, spitting on the voice inside and on the world around us, but maybe then we should not hide from the children and from ourselves that if we constantly sneeze at the world, one day it will respond fairly .
Are there people on earth who have managed to live their lives completely avoiding rejection, and if we already know about it firsthand, then it is probably worth stopping sometimes and looking around in all directions, so that as a result of our own actions directed at the world, we are not wounded by an explosive wave of it justice for which we cry so much.
