What if wishes never come true??!!
“If the wish is not fulfilled, then it has not yet been paid.”
– I was refused again! – I hissed, almost crying from resentment and malicious impotence. – Why, if I am a free person, someone decides for me where I can go and where I can’t!?!
It was the fourth attempt to get to the states. This is the path from the age of 20, when I was still a university student to 33, when I tried to get there at different times of my life, with or without husbands, with a passport filled with other travel stamps, with stacks of documents for property and/or work. And yes, I would like to note, I NEVER planned to stay there illegally and wash dishes in the dining room for the rest of my days. Although it seemed to me that this is what they meant when they said something like: “you can’t overcome the immigration barrier.” I don’t know what exactly this burning desire was connected with, the names that even now sound so sweet to me Alabama, Nebraska, Texas or the message from my mother that this is the best country in the world, but in any case I faced . that it is impossible. Tired of carrying money to the embassy and experiencing humiliation and rejection, I asked the astrologer. She answered honestly – you won’t get it. Of course I could start it – what ever?!!?? Never ever??!! Or maybe somehow??!! Or maybe in a banana box across the border with Mexico?!!? Will I get married to one of those “those” who are “distributed” by stamps at the embassy, life is great, what the hell is he kidding!?
But if we accept that he is not joking.
And what if it never happens, never happens, never comes true? NEVER.
And after that, there is a resounding silence inside, and breathing stops. Then it becomes slightly audible. And the process of inhabiting it begins. First, a number of questions: Why? What is wrong? What did I do or not do? What to do?
Then resistance. No! This can’t happen, then it will definitely happen somehow, someday!
I ran like this for a couple of laps, until exhaustion, and again at the point – no! You won’t get that. Never. Neither dances with tambourines, nor candles, nor vomits, nor almighty magicians will help. Yes, they all got it, but you didn’t. And I don’t want to dwell here on “false wishes”, made under the wrong moon, not written on the back of a unicorn with morning dew, etc. But simply about the fact that the world does not always give. And not all. And not at all at a time when you are sure that this is exactly what you want. About the fact that sometimes it is important to hear the answer. Whatever he was. And put up with him. To accept it with the world inside, even after passing through all the circles of hell resistance. It is when the feet touch the bottom of impossibility that a new meaning appears instead of disappointment. Another point. And it becomes just enough to live.
Live in reality. Talk to the point. Feel the essence. The way I feel, I deserve it. Of course, they say, dogs “serve”. But in general it is. By my thoughts and actions, I found myself in the situation and with the set that I am now. And above my head is exactly that sky, and next to me are exactly those people whom I can afford internally. And behind my back is a series of elections to be the way I am now. And I may not like it a hundred times, but this is “photo now”. Right now, that’s what I stand for, if I’m here right now. And personally, I succeeded in all this, I was lucky, or I discovered a magical country for myself. Yes, she is from the other side of the border. And has other states. They really did not get into the brain from the telly even in childhood. I’m getting used to them, rolling like caramel in my mouth. It has an amazing, unique taste. And I feel myself in my body, and I feel in my place. And people who come to see me here say that it is completely different here than on the other side. Much deeper and clearer. And there is nothing like that. That I simply filled her with my fantasy for a very long time and passionately. And now she is like that only in my imagination.
And it makes me feel so good that there is a country on the map that I will never get to physically, but it will exist forever, a beautiful paradise Earth, even if only in the corner of my imagination.
And I will be here, in my euphoric half, helping all those who want to meet their Essence and follow their own path according to their nickname, even if by different roads.?
